This time of year the night starts earlier. On an overcast day at 3.30 dimming and closing in has already begun. There can be a mild anxiety in this, the ending of life perhaps, of a dark unknown that creeps forward in a paradoxical waxing.
The flame-bright Fall leaves are rapidly oxidizing, rusting to slush. The whole vivacious show of light and leaf, of buzzing, chirping activity recedes. Just wet bark, grey/blue half-light, surrogate days of the electric light. Rooms and coats surround us in the turtle life of the winter months.
Yet a feeling is a feeling only, not a read on reality. There’s a profound difference between the isness of experience and our thoughts and feelings about what is happening — a river, segment-less, unbroken, mostly uncontrollable.
Peace and beauty can arise again from a vulnerability that turns back and says to anxiety “friend you can stay or go as you please”. Or it doesn’t this time and an inner “no” divides itself from unwanted circumstances, unpleasant feelings as if there were any power at all to do so.
For awareness comes too late, a feeling has grown on a taproot unseen, the desire to attack it is connected to the same root — the world is in us we are the world — opposition is nourishment. We all carry this small candle of violence.
Oddly what is considered bad, is usually presumed to come from outside — outside my chosen experience, outside my world, my community. As if we were gods capriciously fracturing wholes into the parts desired.
To attack and reject, within and without, arise from the same misperception of distance and volition. Beginnings have already grown from an unknown, arriving in our view too late for the choice we think we have. Impotent negotiations and reasons spin around within, seeming powerful by the false attribute of presumed control and by strong emotion.
For a moment, no movement at all might bring a clearer view, show a way needing no effort, but a turning back when going forward is urged by every muscle. No movement when running between distractions is voted the best anti-anxiety drug or leaping at the problem seems to be frustrations undeniable act of freedom. Accept this pre-choice self that thrives on conflict with itself…